1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.

1. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.

Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.

Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor's shed.

Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.

Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^'s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for SPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.



How To Give A Dog A Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

The only good cat is a flat cat

FireFly wrote:
The only good cat is a flat cat

Couldn't agree more

i2s2bme wrote:
FireFly wrote:
The only good cat is a flat cat

Couldn't agree more

I'll 3rd that one.

translate Flat cat to dutch (NL ).. very close to a Platy(a)pus !!! .. cats are not owned BUT have slaves !! give me a K9 anytime !!

yeah thats why we have our 3 k9 terrorists hee hee .

FireFly wrote:
yeah thats why we have our 3 k9 terrorists hee hee .

Ya got that bit right old fella.

Yep, we have two dogs too but I have a great appreciation for all animals great and small. When it all boils down, its humans that have created all of the problems that we have with cats. They shouldn't even be in this country.

But its a bit like admiring a good car even though you might not want that brand yourself. Their sleek design makes them one of the best predators in the world, they are highly intelligent and they are pretty much self maintaining. They dont need humans to exist. I wonder if thats why we dont like them. I work with wildlife, so I am aware of the damage they can do - but once again thats all down to people being irresponsible.

Anyway, I know this was all meant as a joke and I dont want to get all serious on you

I dont agree that the only good cat is a flat cat - I believe the only good cat is one who is owned by a responsible, loving owner.

I'll get off my soapbox now - but any opportunity to 'spread the word'is a good one.
Have fun everyone

well said jelly bean .. like wise dogs are a problem if they are not treated properly .. it is the owners of the animals that are responsible . gold fish in the water become problems (carp) . Rabbits .. when MAN takes the animals out of its native enviroment & out of control is when we get problems messing up the food chain & natural balance of things ... fox ... cane toad .. camels .... not to mention .. the extinction of species by MAN .. we could go on ... I love most animals except Rodents !! .. introduced mice & rats especially !! oops TOPIC cats do have their place ... had to get that off my chest too .. passing sopa box on !!

Guess some people cant handle a joke:ohmy:

giggle we are jUSt showing our animal lovin & not PT lovin side !! .. tis what makes the world go round WE are all different with one thinG in common Pts & mopars !! oops that is two !! .... I still prefer K9s to Cats and I still like Platapusesjes !!

Oh Cmon Firefly - I laughed at the joke itself. Anyone who knows me will tell you I have a wicked sense of humour.

Jelly Bean wrote:
Oh Cmon Firefly - I laughed at the joke itself. Anyone who knows me will tell you I have a wicked sense of humour.

And don't we know that Jacqui.